Saturday, June 18, 2011

Feeding Myself

Well, I can't just keep writing about being a mess, can I? Here's me, still recovering from the World Domination Summit in Portland, OR. I'm all full to bursting with ideas, and my world is overflowing with new people and projects and excitements.

Meanwhile, I have messes left, right, center. I'm looking for a path. It looks like the way forward is to do *something.* Anything.

There's a metaphor I've been using a lot, in conversation with other people. It's one I keep coming back to. I feel as if I have a million-piece jigsaw puzzle, and here and there I've managed to put together some sections of it. These are things that call strongly to me, that I love deeply. There are things I'm good at, and things I love to do. There are people I absolutely love, and people I want to be around. So I have clues, and pieces, and parts.

But somewhere in the middle, the connecting pieces are missing. Other people have tried really really hard to help me with this. I've tried to figure it out, more than once. One of the things that came out of the Summit is a commitment to A) not giving up- I have unwavering faith that this picture will someday come clear, and I refuse to give up. B) letting myself have the space in which to move and C) asking for help without feeling obligated to do what other people advise.

I know you want to help me. I would want to help me if I were my own friend. But if there's anything that's come clear in the last six months, it's that I might just not be ready to be helped. This is something I need very much to work through, myself. That doesn't mean I won't tell you all about it all the time. I don't mind sharing the struggles, or the journey. I don't mind that people want to help or that they try.

What I'm looking for has to come from inside. It has to be my own thing. I've had enough of other people's dreams and expectations. I'm as passionate as can be and will happily throw myself after your dreams, if you let me. I haven't minded. But now I'm just plain tapped out. I don't have anything for you.

I need to feed myself.

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