On Being Fucking Fabulous

On another note, I have recently discovered that I am pretty fucking fabulous. Seriously. I did not know this for most of my life, so it's a new thing that I'm exploring. I know I'm a bit of an odd bird. I've frequently felt lost and out of place over the course of my existence, but I never was quite sure if that was unusual or not. I can't tell what other people are thinking. Maybe you all run around feeling lost and confused, and it's just that no one is sharing that information with one another.

But back to the fabulous. This year has been crazy. It's been chaos. I've taken myself out of my usual environment and gone to new places with new people, and gotten way out of my comfort zone. And several times, more and more frequently over time, I've had a visceral reaction of "here is where I belong." I've been drifting until now, feeling dazed and confused and out of place, and then suddenly there will be a brief moment of fabulousness. I'll find myself in the right place, with the right people, at the right time. Magic happens.

I become fucking fabulous. I stop being afraid. I stop worrying. I enjoy the moment. But the key thing is that when this happens, other people respond to me differently. They open up, and they laugh, and they relax. I have a different energy. I know this is all very woo-woo but I am working it out, so bear with me.

I just have stopped thinking of myself as crazy or broken or weird. I'm lovely. Really. I'm full of life. I'm not just pretty, I'm beautiful. How the heck did I miss that, before? I'm smart and funny, I'm passionate and creative, I'm kind and thoughtful.

This is not to say that I'm perfect. No. I'm a mess, too. I've broken my commitment to my marriage and hurt my ex a great deal. I've lied to some people and broken some relationships and done plenty of things that were unwise or unethical or both. I'm ashamed of many of the things I've done this year, but I also don't regret them. I understand why I did what I did, mostly. I forgive myself, learn, and try to move on.

None of this removes me from the fabulous category. I have made a decision at long last. It's not an easy one and it's not something that I can articulate well at this time. But I know in my gut, and I will keep following it. I refuse to be ordinary. I refuse to be unhappy. I refuse to do the right thing just because it's what other people want and expect. Sometimes I am going to do the wrong thing. I am going to knowingly do the wrong thing. It won't excuse me from having to face the consequences afterward.

I have a right to be wrong. If I spend all of my time trying to lock myself down, I can't be fabulous. I know this is justification, as well. It's easy to find excuses for why being selfish is ok. It's dangerous territory to walk through. But I believe in the truth and I believe in being true to myself. I know what I want, and I won't be ashamed to want it. I want an extraordinary life. That means I'm going to screw things up and make mistakes. Lots of them.

And you know what? I'll still be fucking fabulous.